Being Bella Swan
by team-amyfizzle
Summary: This is the story of my life. It is extremely embarrassing and utterly ridiculous. I just don't understand how so many things can go wrong in one person's life, but it can. Follow me on my journey. Minimal drama, maximum laughs and tonnes of sexual tension!
1. Chapter One

**_-Chapter One-_**

* * *

 _Name: Isabella Marie Swan_

 _Preferred name: Bella_

 _Age: 22_

 _Occupation: full time badass_

I briefly consider writing that down but afraid I would look like some overgrown child with mommy issues, I scribble it out and write the truth.

 _Recent collage graduate but now working full time in retail_

Yeah, like working at 'Purrs, Furrs and Gile-ty Fishes' was enticing.

 _Sex:_

Yes please.

 _Female_

 _What I look for in a Man/Woman:_

I circle 'woman' so there are no confusions. I don't want another repeat of Christmas two years ago when Nan-Nan Swan thought I was bit too fond of diving. If you know what I mean.

 _Someone funny, adventurous, ambitious_

Can I say hot?

 _If both parties match at the end of the night, permission is granted for our company to supply individuals contact details_

 _Sign:_

 _Phone:_

I scrawl out my signature and number in the same chicken scratch as above before handing it to the bitchy blonde popping her strawberry gum at the reception desk. She looks at the card and then looks me up and done.

"It must really be hard for someone like you to meet new people. I'm sure a lot of people are into role play too."

What? I look at her in confusion before the light in my head goes off.

I forgot I was wearing my goddamn cat costume with the goddamn ears and matching tail.

Welcome to my wonderful fucking life.

* * *

 **Disclaimer for all chapters: Twilight isn't mine, although I own a zesty t shirt from my youth that says, "Your scent is my drug." Lord.**

 **This story will consist of short and sweet chapters because I don't have the attention span to sit and write proper chapters. Enjoy!**


	2. Chapter Two

**_-_ _Chapter Two-_**

* * *

"I can't believe you're actually doing that speed dating thing."

Alice and I were lounging in one of the red leather booths at Pat's Pizzeria in downtown Seattle. It has been tradition for the past 4 years that all three of us, including Rosalie, order a large pizza on Friday nights. Our version of a family dinner since we no longer lived in Forks with our parents. Except lately, Rose has been so caught up in the 'Wedding of the Century' that she's skipped out on our Friday dates for the last several weeks. So it just left the two musketeers to share her portion of the pizza and as a result gain a few extra pounds.

Currently, Alice is jibbing me about my desperate measures to find a man.

"You know only creeps with like foot fetishes participate in speed dating?"

"First of all Al, it's not speed dating. It's a professional mixer. And second, no one actually has a foot fetish," I reply while taking a long drink from my can of orange soda.

"Not true, Quentin Tarantino definitely has one!"

I quirk an eye brow at her. Trust Alice to sprout off these disturbing facts.

"Bella! Alice! Pizza!" Pat yells while dusting the flour off his hands onto his apron.

We shuffle through the throng of students waiting to get their carb load before a boozy night out.

"That will be $11.90 girls."

Alice pays. She always pays. Working at a pet stores earns just enough to make rent and to afford the necessities in life. Alice being the best friend she is, even decreased my rent in our joint apartment and shouted pizza each week in an attempt to keep up some normality in our lives now that Rose has gone MIA.

Alice can afford it though. Her job as a personal stylist to the stars lets her live the high life. She frequently rubs elbows with Bradley Cooper, Selena Gomez and Jennifer Lawrence.

Actually I wouldn't mind muff diving with J Law.

I guess that's what a natural talent for matching your accessories to your dress gets you. That and having your father be perhaps one of best plastic surgeons in America does help you score a pretty sweet pay check and a gate way into Hollywood. Alice never went to University but spent her first four years after high school commuting to Los Angeles and making a name for herself.

In retro spec she could move out but she would never put me out on the street.

Told ya she was the best friend a girl could have.

You could argue that I'm holding her back with my selfish and poorly ways but she often reassures me that's she's not ready to move in with her boyfriend of 1 year, 3 months, lawyer Jasper Whitlock. With his rugged looks and Southern charm it was plain to see why she fell madly in love with him. Not to mention their personalities are like pineapple and ham; odd in theory but perfect together. They'll get married for sure.

* * *

 **Don't forget to leave a cheeky review! It would mean the world to me**


	3. Chapter Three

**_-Chapter Three-_**

* * *

Pat smiles warmly as he hands over the pizza box. He still to this day cuts the pizza into 3 even parts, a feat that almost seems impossible. We don't have the heart to tell him Rose no longer eats the gooey baked bread.

Ducking out of the warm pizzeria into the bitter Autumn chill, we make our way over to Alice's canary yellow Porsche parked across the road and quickly clamber in. Winter is on its way early this year. Its only the beginning of September and we're already experiencing temperatures under 50 degrees.

Out of the howling wind, Alice continues her conversation from before.

"So as I was saying, if you really want to get laid I could totally buy you a prostitute."

"What? I prosta- never mind. Alice I'm not looking for someone to sleep with! Right now I'm just looking for a friend."

Turning her head and raising her eyebrows, she gives me that 'bitch please' look.

"Oh like I believe that! When was the last time you got boned?"

I remember clearly. It was with James Hunter.

I mean its actually not that hard to go down on a girl. You kind of just lick and suck. Ok so in theory that's not all you do but you get the gist. I thought it was natural instinct.

But apparently it wasn't for James.

He employed some technique that honestly felt like a dishwasher and made me wet. And I don't mean in the good way.

"James..."

"Exactly with James!" Alice said pulling up to our apartment, "Look I'm just tryna help a brother out."

I roll my eyes and exit the car.

That's the last time I let her watch White Chicks.

* * *

 **So I have some real good ideas for this story!**

 **I can't wait to share them with you all. Review up!**


	4. Chapter Four

**_-Chapter Four-_**

* * *

By the time we walk into our apartment, Alice's fat grey tabby is scratching up a storm in protest of being left alone.

Our apartment is both vintage and modern; clean white walls and furnishings with antique pieces scattered throughout the flat. It's a cosy two bedroom place in Bellevue's Metropolitan area. The best part of the apartment is the spacious living room that opens up to the spectacular view of Lake Washington; an Arctic Wonderland straight out of Frozen in winter. As I said before, I wouldn't have been able to afford lease if it weren't for Alice's insistence to live with me by lowering my half rent.

I place the pizza on the living room table while Alice cracks open 2 ice cold Heinekens. When she returns she hands me a beer and frowns.

"No Mr Tibbles, that's my seat silly," she hurls the cat off her couch which I secretly give her credit for because that cat is huge. And I don't mean a couple of extra pounds overweight, I'm talking about Fat Amy eating Oprah fat. But that still doesn't stop her from pulling off a piece of pepperoni and feeding Mr Tibbles.

I grab myself a slice of Pat's Pizza and take a bite letting out a full on porn star moan. This is the stuff that I'm sure is served in Heaven; slightly crispy base, loads of cheese, sauce and pepperoni cooked to perfection. Pat makes a mean pizza.

"Well if you're still going through with the legion for desperate hook ups, will you at least let me doll you up?"

I take another bite while I consider her proposal. Our idea of 'dolled up' are two very different things. While my mantra is 'simple, yet classy', hers is something like 'if Alexander McQueen and Dolly Parton had a baby, one must look like that. Oh, and it should reflect a small amount of it's godfather, Prince.'

Now you can see why I'm scared.

"I don't know Al..." I trail off.

"Please Bella, it's all I ask," and BAM, she's giving me the puppy dog eyes.

"Fine," I sigh as a piece of greasy pepperoni slides off my slice and onto the floor. I see Mr. Tibbles make a slight lunge at it but Alice clings on to him tighter.

She lets out a shrill scream and I'm sure somewhere in the distance I can hear dogs howl.

"Oh my god yay! I promise you won't regret this! I'll make you look smokin' for all the boys, won't I Mr Tibbles? Yes I will," she coos as she rubs her cat affectionately and just like that I'm forgotten to an overgrown feline.

* * *

 **Does anyone else have realistic dreams of pizza and wake up heartbroken? Yeah...me neither...**


	5. Chapter Five

**_-Chapter Five-_**

* * *

The weekend passed in a blur of slobbing out on the couch and watching re-runs of _How I Met Your Mother_. There is something about Barney Stinson and his man-whore ways that always get me a little hot in the face. But by Monday I was ready to rejoin the land of social interaction with other human beings and not fictional characters like my home boys Ben and Jerry.

Many people grumble at the thought of retail but when you work in a pet store, its not so much of a job but rather an animal play-topia. Besides the yuck things like cleaning up after the animal's poop, I literally spend my day playing with the wittle puppies and wittle kittens.

But what I wasn't excited for was the 2 mile long traffic jam slowly inching its way a long Seattle's highway.

Apparently the police thought it was a great idea to breath test at 8:30 on a Monday morning.

I mean seriously who needs a drink that badly before 9am?

Well to be fair, I could totally go for a double right now.

"And still be cleared as sober by the time I reach the police," I grumble.

This traffic is taking _forever!_

I send off a quick text to work to let them know I'll most likely be late. Normally I could leave my home 15 minutes before and still get there with minutes to spare, so you could only guessed how pissed off I am right now.

While waiting for the traffic to clear, I did the only thing I could do; jump on Facebook and scroll through my news feed over and over again. _  
_  
I was in the middle of watching a video of someone getting the bejesus kicked out of their neither reason by a 3-year-old, when it happened.

Everyone has that one song that makes them drop whatever they're doing and go crazy. I'm talking about hair banging, body jerking, screaming at the top of your lungs crazy. Yeah well my song is that Pharrell one; 'Happy'.

It's just so darn catchy.

 _"It might seem crazy what I'm about to say,_  
 _Sunshine she's here, you can take a break."_

Humming along to the lyrics and lightly tapping my finger on the steering wheel, I crawl closer to the cops.

No stop this Bella, you're in public! __

I shake the thought from my head and grip the wheel tighter, concentrating on maintaining a precise 4 meter gap between my car and the one in front.

 _"Because I'm happy,_  
 _Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof."_

Oh dear god, not the chorus.

The happiness bubbles up from my chest and over-flows through my lips. I just can't help it, I'm like a woman possessed. My brain is no longer in charge of my body and I blame Pharrell Williams for it.

 _"Bring me down,_  
 _can't nothing bring me down,_  
 _your love is too high,"_ I scream flipping my hair, my voice sounding like a prepubescent boy who's balls are about to drop.

I'm doing some sort of move that resembled the _The Exorcist_ meets Mick Jagger. Spit flying, hair jerking, I'm in my own world and if I were standing up, I probably would be imitating Miley's twerking.

"COME ON!" I screech, fist pumping and smacking my hand into the roof, a smile of complete joy gracing my face when I registered someone knocking on a window. I don't remember this being part of the song?

Like a bucket of cold water dumped on my head, I remember where I am; waiting in Seattle's 9'o clock traffic.

Peering out through the windshield, I notice that the traffic had dispersed quite a bit during my moment. There is now gaping space between myself and the nearest car while the drivers behind me are blaring their horns at my inability to move forward.

"Uh excuse me Miss, could you please say your name and address into my breathalyzer?" a muffled voice came from my left.

Turning my head slowly, I lock eye contact with the awkward looking cop waving his breathalyzer outside my window. He tries to hold in his laugh by clearing his throat but fails miserably.

How _long_ has he been standing there?!

* * *

 **Sorry for the delay! Life got in the way. Sigh.  
Enjoy!  
-A**


	6. Chapter Six

**_-Chapter Six-_**

* * *

After the mortifying breath testing incident, I finally arrive at work 20 minutes late.

My hair's tousled from the head banging session, my cheeks a bright raspberry red, to anyone else I probably look like I just had a good, hard bang.

As soon as I step through the door, a husky voice echos my dirty thoughts.

"Who have you been fucking Swan?"

I roll my eyes as I pass him. He's over-feeding the axolotls yet again. Lucky for him there are no customers in the store to hear his vulgar language.

"Whatever would give you that idea?"

"Cheeks flushed, that just rolled out of bed sex hair. Yeah you've definitely had some Tuesday mornin' lovin'. All the girls I sleep with leave my house looking the same way. All satisfied and shit."

"I don't think that's the look of satisfaction. It's probably anger after finding out they have 5 minutes to leave your bed," I quip grabbing the fish food and walking over to him.

"Well maybe you should test the theory out and take a ride on the Titan."

"Ew Ed!" I screamed throwing some fish flakes at him, "I don't want to catch herpes from you! And from what I can remember, you weren't even that great."

"Baby you know I don't have herpes. You can even look for yourself," he winked in my direction.

That's Edward, coincindetly Alice's older brother. But unlike Alice's anal organised life and somewhat proper etiquette, Edward's is the complete opposite.

Following in the footsteps of his father, he attended Med school in New York for all but two years before realising he actually didn't want to become a surgeon. He dropped out and moved to Seattle to be closer to his family and took up a job at Purrs, Furrs and Gile-ty Fishes. It's not like he technically needed a job, I'm sure his dad could pay for his lavish lifestyle of sleeping with whores and playing in his loser band.

When I finished uni with no job prospects in sight, he offered me a job at the pet store. Of course I didn't know he was recently promoted to second in charge.

That means I officially work under Edward 'The Guiter Slayer' Cullen.

The same Edward who's trying to make two turtles hump each other while singing "Let's get it on".

* * *

 **Oh hey! I hope you are all enjoying this story, thanks so much for taking a chance by reading this mess**

 **Review review review!**

 **-A**


	7. Chapter Seven

**_-Chapter Seven-_**

* * *

"Hey F.C., I was thinking about going for a more subtle animal look. Like maybe just the ears, no tail," I complain as I whip my costume tail and smack Ed's ass.

"Don't tease me Arey. And you know it's part of the job requirement."

"No where in the contract does it say it's mandatory to dress up as a cat. This is just one of your loser schemes."

"Do you know how many men love a good pussy?" He replies cheekily waggling his eyebrows while I just roll my eyes.

I met Edward and Alice Cullen in my first year of high school. Their family had just moved from New York City to my tiny but prosperous settlement of Forks. You see Forks isn't your average run of the mill timber-town, though it is surrounded by miles and miles of forestry. No, its where the rich go to live. I would probably describe it as a city sized country club where every one wears those ugly sweaters tied around their necks and pristine white tennis shoes. A town where women sip their mimosas and gossip about their neighbour sleeping with the pool boy while their children are raised by nannies. I'm talking about freakin' white picket fences and ugly Mercedes Benz mom cars!

So you see exactly why we left Forks.

But anyway back to my story, I met Edward and Alice in my first year of high school. Back then they were the weird new kids coming into our exclusive inner circle. My parents forced Rose and I to hang with them during one of my mothers famous mixers and we became fast friends after Alice called out that teen slut Irina Sveltsky on padding her training bra with toilet paper. Lets just say, we all bonded over our mutual hatred for human life.

To be honest, I had a massive crush on Edward for a while; he was just so funny and nice to me. But that was until I found out the same Irina with the toilet paper boobs gave him a handjob during a screening of Pirates of the Caribbean. I was so put off with the thought of skanky Sveltsky jerking him off that my crush fizzled out.

And that's when my obsession with sex started.

In my spare time I would secretly read about sex and how it supposedly felt like Christmas, Hanukkah and your birthday all rolled into one when you 'came'. So I did the only thing a curious 15 year old would do, I asked my only guy friend, Edward to take my virginity.

Of course he laughed and said I probably won't even experience the festive season my first time, but being the horny fuck he is, went along with it anyway.

It was awkward to say the least and I certainly didn't feel sparks fly when we were done.

And to make matters worse, I began to re-develop my little crush on him.

A week later I was seriously contemplating telling Edward how I felt when Maggie Hamilton cornered me in the bathroom to tell me she might be taking things to the next level with my best friend at Marcus Fischer's 15th birthday. Count them, 7 days after we had both lost our virginities, he was already to move on with this whore.

I don't know whether it was more from my hate for Maggie or the fact I was rubbed raw and scorned but I told her that Edward's drapes matched the carpet, which in actual fact it didn't. This spawned the nickname Fire Crotch or F.C. for short.

Of course he didn't get laid that weekend and when he found out I was the cause for this he was livid. As pay back, he told his baseball team that I had bologna sized areolas, hence the name Arey.

Luckily two weeks later the same Maggie gave Edward a blow job and dispelled the rumours of his ginger ninja and a month later at our school's annual swim carnival, I made an accidental nip slip and half the school saw I have normal sized areolas.

It took us 2 months to become friends again but a further 6 months to be able to joke around with our nicknames and thankfully by then my feelings for my hunky best friend had gone with the wind like an STD scare.

I'm actually glad nothing happened because as much as I love him, he's way too much of a manwhore to commit. He is smoother than Harvey Specter and hotter than Beckham but he's never had a steady girl friend. Unfortunately or fortunately, depends on the way you see it, the only girls who can put up with Edward are Alice, Rose and I and so we're the unlucky recipients of his sex-scapades. Like just last week he supposedly had a threesome with two English tourists who came in looking for the nearest pub but ended up porking him in the McDonald's down the street.

"So Arey, Alice tells me you're going to some speed dating thing? Good on you! I mean, I know you love me but baby, its time to move on. Maybe you'll even find someone and throw away your E-brator," Edward calls from over by the rabbit pen.

I throw my cat ears at him and scream, "For the last time, I don't love you and I don't have a vibrator called Edward!"

Still holding a poor innocent fawn bunny, he tilts back his head and moans out, "Ohh Ed, you're so big! Take me!"

He keeps going for a while, moaning like he's in pleasure but completely fails to notice the rabbit is leaving little bunny presents in his hands.

Check and mate fucker.

* * *

 **Sorry team! I'm hopeless at updating :(**

 **I hope you're all having a wonderful start to Spring/Autumn!**

 **Don't forget to review**

 **-A x**


End file.
